Free Online Relationship Help: How to Resolve a Quarrel in just 4 Steps?
Quarrels will definitely evolve in every relationship, no matter what. It’s just a matter of time and intensity. But having a quarrel doesn’t mean it’s destructive to your relationship. The relationship I’m talking about here is romantic relationships.
I’m in a tough long distance relationship with my girlfriend being 10 years older than me. Definitely, I’ve experienced quite a lot of quarrels with her over the years and learnt a lot on how to resolve them well. So I want to create this online relationship help for free to help more people with handling quarrels. It’s so sad to see couples hurting their relationships from very minor issues. And what I mean by “resolving WELL” is that the relationship actually improves after the quarrel rather than leaving a scar behind.
I’m going to show you exactly how you can do it in just 4 simple steps in this article. So pay close attention because you are not just going to save but upgrade your relationship!
There are 2 Problems, Not 1
Before we get to the actual 5 Steps, you have to understand this first.
For every quarrel you have with your lover, there are 2 problems to it – the situation itself and your emotion! For example, your partner accidentally breaks your favorite vase. The situation is that the broken vase need to be cleared away and there is a need to decide whether you need a replacement. However, both of you have emotions to the issue. You may be angry at your partner for breaking your favorite vase and your partner may be shocked and don’t know what to do. So can you see the two components to the issue now?
Sometimes, the situation may be easier to resolve than the emotion and sometimes it’s the opposite. But either way, the emotion component need to be addressed properly because you are a LOVING COUPLE. Your relationship is still the most important. Solving the situation without the emotion will definitely be detrimental to your relationship in the long term.
After understanding this important concept, it’s time to get to the real stuff!
(My example may be a bit stupid and simple but I just want to explain the 2 problems as clear as possible. If you have some better examples or you have other issues that you want to ask me for advice, please kindly leave them in the comment below.)
4 Step Quarrel Resolution
Let’s take a look at the infographic I made to get the simple ideas first:
Now, the detailed guide!
The first step to all issues is to manage your emotion first. This is the rule that is always true.
If you are not able to manage your emotion well, you can never resolve the problem completely. You may be able to solve the surface issue but there will always be an “emotion scar” and the same issue may still occur again in the future.
Everyone has their way of calming down and chilling out. Go for a walk. Run. Play some sports. Listen to music. Or some even fill their time with work. Saying “Give me some time to calm down” is much better than saying “whatever” or continue the futile argument.
For long distance couples, the quarrels are usually via messages, call or video chat. Take a step back and tell your partner let’s stop the conversation and calm down for a while. But don’t say it in a way that your partner feels that you don’t want to talk to him/her anymore. This will only make the situation worse.
Remember! The first step you should do is to prevent your emotion from taking over the situation and make it even worse.
After you’ve calmed yourself down, it’s time to think about the actual issue in a rational perspective – whose fault was it? Why are you having the emotion you have? What your partner could possibly be feeling?
And…How are you going to resolve this situation? Ask yourself these kind of questions. Doing some sort of self reflection first is the only productive way to approach a situation.
Having done that, now it’s time for you to have conversation with your partner. Discuss about the problem and your feelings. Most of the time in a romantic relationship, the problem itself is easy to resolve but the feeling part is the hard one. So if the problem is really not that serious, focus on your feelings because that’s usually the cause of quarrel in the first place.
Remember to show your care and understanding for your partner instead of just focusing on your own feelings. What you need is…
- Understanding for each other
- Apology (Both of you need to apologize in most cases but one of you must start first)
- Show your care and love
Before moving on to the next step, make sure both of your emotion and the problem has been solved (come to a peaceful conclusion or a plan)
You’ve come to a peaceful outcome. You know the solution already. Now it’s time to take action. Communication with your partner will help in the emotion aspect but if nothing changes, you will have the same quarrel again very soon.
So make sure you take the necessary actions and make it to a habit as soon as possible. If your partner often cannot find you because you don’t have the habit to keep your phone with you or keep your phone on, then you should change this bad habit. Especially in long distance relationship, you cannot keep on disappearing without any explanation. Over some time, the trust which is extremely crucial will be jeopardized.
4. Make Up
You’ve gotten angry. You’ve calmed down. You’ve come out with a plan and solved the issue. Well, you can give yourself a tap on your back. You’ve done well! You can simply stop here. It’s already better than the average couple.
But there’s something more you can do. Remember I said about upgrading your relationship after every quarrel at the beginning of the article?
It’s time to reward yourself and your partner for doing great. If you are in a close distance relationship, you can go out for a movie, shopping or a nice dinner to end the quarrel on a happy note. In a long distance relationship, you cannot do these obviously. Buy a gift and send it to your partner could be an option sometimes. Other times, send a photo of yourself to your partner via chat apps or have a lovely video chat is always better than nothing. It’s time to show your care and love to your partner again!
Some Important Stuff You Must Remember!
- Don’t ever go to bed angry! (Supported by Science)
- Instead of settling for just not being angry, do what you can to go to bed happy, content, and looking forward to a better relationship than you had yesterday.
- Focus on taking care of the issue rather than attacking the person.
- Like fine wine, make your relationship improves with age and gets better over time.
We’ve come to the end of today’s online relationship help. I think every step is all very crucial. This takes some practices. Don’t expect that you will be able to resolve very well the next time you have quarrel.
But I believe that if both of you have the same goal and work collaboratively, there’s no doubt your relationship will be a lovely and successful one.
Remember to share this with your partner. It’s always good for both of you to know how to resolve the problem together. Please share with those who are facing the same problem. Don’t let the small things in our lives to hurt our relationship!
I wish you all the best!